User:NuclearVII/Epic

Epic One-liners

• Sometimes you're god, Auron. Backsword 22:12, 11 March 2008 (UTC)

Epic Smart

By Defiant

I don't think I ever understood the true meaning of the word "melodrama" until I became involved in wikis. On PvX, people seem to, inexplicably, derive their self-worth from their knowledge of the game. Sure, being good at the game is nice and all, and it can certainly be of use when trying to create a build repository, but when you spend more time telling people that they "fail at life" because they don't know that PvP casters use Spears than actually doing something of value, you know there's a problem. It's nothing new as far as this site is concerned, but I've slowly found myself having less and less patience when it comes to this kind of asinine behavior. I think this is pretty well borne out by the fact that I recently changed my MSN Messenger signature from "PvX:YAV - All users are equal, but some users are more equal" to "You might be an idiot if... you think that being good at a video game means 'something." So here's a rule to live by: when you start judging people's worth based on their comparative knowledge of a video game, you've failed at life. I'll admit it, I can be plenty elitist at times, but honestly, if you're one of the people who behaves in the manner that I've outlined, get over yourself.

- D.E.

By Scott Adams

Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek

Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future" by HarperBusiness. Copyright United Media, 1997. Please keep this notice with the text if you forward it by e-mail.

There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.

Medical Technology

On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal your ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices.

Transporter

It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the same people who won't add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after taking the last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking the transporter coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming people into walls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of their bodies.

'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch yesterday.'

If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries, stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage. If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back before anybody noticed. I'd never worry about 'keeping up with the Joneses,' because as soon as they got something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbors would have to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only after I had all the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life. There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.

Holodeck

For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck can create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister.

Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks to go around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about it, but that's exactly why I'd need a massage.

I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.

Sex with Aliens

According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with creatures who would like to have sex with humans. This would open up a lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine the confusion. It's hard enough to have sex with human beings, much less humanoids. One wrong move and you're suddenly transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial for who-knows-what. This could only add to performance anxiety. You would never be quite sure what moves would be sensual and what moves would be a galactic-sized mistake. Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien

Me: May I touch that?

Alien: That is not an erogenous zone. It is a separate corporeal being that has been attached to my body for six hundred years.

Me: It's cute. I wonder if it would let me have sex with it.

Alien: That's exactly what I said six hundred years ago.

The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the Star Trek model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death soon afterward. I don't have to tell you how many problems that would solve. Realistically, the future won't be that convenient.

Phasers

I would love to have a device that would stun people into unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times a day. If I got bad service at the convenience store, I'd zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front of me at the theater, zap!

On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. It happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed by an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in the Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the 'alien possession' defense is credible.

Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed by an evil alien entity.

Officer: Well, okay. Move along.

I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes to stand under my bedroom window on the other side of the fence and bark for hours at a time. My neighbor has employed the bold defense that he believes it might be another neighbor's dog, despite the fact that I am standing there looking at him barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like this, a phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean shot through the willow tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise, so it wouldn't disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could both get some sleep. If the neighbor complains, I'll explain that the phaser was fired by the other neighbor's dog, a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible.

And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.

Cyborgs

Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a tool to deal with some new household malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I might have an electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would save a lot of trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg concept is a modular design, so you can add whatever tools you think you'd use most. I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked at someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like that. I'd program myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would appear in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked On.' It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That way I could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when people talk to me. All I'd have to do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine during boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my head all day long.

I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone wanting to be a cyborg.

The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and you're at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the casket and slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized by saying you have an important business meeting, so you can't make it to the service.

Shields

I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time, especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my personal space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if I also had a phaser to play with.

I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future. On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun. Shopping with Shields Up

Me: Ring this up for me, you unpleasant cretin.

Saleswoman: I oughta slug you!

Me: Try it. My shields are up.

Saleswoman: Damn!

Me: There's nothing you can do to harm me.

Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like to open a charge account? Our interest rates are very reasonable.

Me: Nice try.

Long-Range Sensors

If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan for new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You could run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport yourself out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in his office, you would know minutes before the authorities discovered him, and that means extra break time.

Vulcan Death Grip

Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were. That would have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make the Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident. 'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.' I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and virtually undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left and right. You wouldn't be able to have a decent conversation at the office over the sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most common sounds in corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry I couldn't give you a bigger raise, but . . . erk!'

By Auron, my hero

Guild Wars is "balanced?" False Advertisement to be honest

Ever wonder why shitway has been allowed to survive, unnerfed for so long? Every time a major skill balance happens, they seem to hit every build except for thumpers/spirits/hero hex spammers. Surely they must think it isn't imbalanced, or they'd have fixed it in the YEAR AND A HALF that gimmick has existed. Well, that doesn't bode well for us if they can't comprehend true imbalance.

Take, for example, GvG. It was always dominated by the best players in the game; the top guilds were consistently top. Even into the rank 200-300 range, players weren't absolute trash; they were not as skilled as the top 100, but they weren't terrible. Now, however, those 200-300 range players are terrible, and they're all running one fucking build; shitway.

A match starts. We're the higher ranked guild, so we fight on their hall, Burning Isle. Notorious for promoting gimmick play and supplementing terrible players that can't split worth a damn because they can't play guild wars to begin with, Burning is also sometimes a choice for balanced builds (that also can't split worth a damn).

We march to the flagstand, and ho! Shitway. Two thumpers, four heroes (two N/Rt healers, one N/Rt minion master with death magic hexes, one N/E spiteful spirit hexer), one human N/E hexer and one Ritualist runner (pretty standard Rt/A with splinter).

We fight valiantly, but alas, the insane pressure from putrid/spiteful on multiple people and thumpers with all-too-spammable knockdown/deepwound/daze pushes us back. We score a few kills on the way, though, seeing as we are better players; however, instead of this being a benefit, the hero just raises minions from the corpses. The minions create a potent bodyblock wall, preventing our warriors from easily accessing their hexers and healers, while doing potent damage to pretty much everyone in range. Oh, and [[Animate Shambling Horror|bleeding on every hit]], to mesh with Tained/Rotting flesh/Toxicity combos which are spammed by the heroes. Pretty balanced so far, right?

We fall back into our NPC alcove, but are still taking tremendous pressure from their thumpers with splinter, so we drop three or four times. Guess what happened then? You got it, more fucking minions! The minion wall descends into our NPC alcove and makes moving around a nigh impossible task. Their insanely fast [[Mend Body and Soul|condition removal]] (thanks to broken hero AI and to the equally if not more broken Soul Reaping) strips thumpers of Weakness, Blind and Cripple immediately, so we can't impede their swath of destruction. The only thing we had that was mildly effective against thumpers were my hex snares, which I had to balance between throwing on enemy (hero) healers so our frontline could get to them and throwing on thumpers so they couldn't get to our backline. They managed to push in quite deep and take out our bodyguard, all the while minions keeping our monks from maneuvering to keep everyone alive.

Fighting against a minion wall and the still absolutely ridiculous soul-reaping-powered hero healers, we managed to base a healer (killed it right before a 2-minute mark, so it spawned back at their base instead of being rezzed where the body was). That allowed us to push into their base, but again, the Soul Reaping Energizer Bunny healers kept their party up too well to allow us any leeway to kill NPCs.

Then VoD hit. We wait at the flagstand, getting morale boosts; our players are more skilled and our build does more raw damage; what do we have to be afraid of?

OH, RIGHT, THAT'S ASSUMING GUILD WARS IS BALANCED. Back in reality, we get raped; every time we kill one of their heroes (which was quite often, with the damage boost from VoD) they summon more minions. After having roughly 8 of them, they zergrush; look at the radar in that picture. I haven't seen DoA mobs that big, but apparently it's perfectly balanced in terms of GvG. Heroes ftw, right?

After seeing the huge blue mob descending on our faces, I turned the camera a bit to see what it all was. Holy shit. Tabbing through that mess was a nightmare; every time I'd try to find a thumper to blurred vision, I'd find six minions instead. Every time I wanted to snare a hero healer, I'd find just as many spirits. If ANet allows that many non-computer-controlled things on a team, they need a way to sort it so I don't have to select each fucking one.

Naturally, our team wipes, through a combination of hex/condi degeneration, Spiteful Spirit/putrid bile damage, frequent knockdowns that prevent our monks from escaping, and pure minion damage.

Our never fearless Guild Lord NPC waltzes out into the enemy battalion (because it can no longer be called a "team" - that would imply numbers less than 20) and gets obliterated. Game over, other team says gg, and it's all good, right?

Except for the part where there was absolutely no balance in that match, from beginning to end. Fuck this game, it blows. -Auron 04:06, 1 May 2008 (UTC)

By Mgrinchpon

On the Ursan talkpage

If I may be serious for one moment here, DoA, a several hour run, by all meanings of the word is not casual. To grind to rank 10 norn and rank 8 lightbringer is by all means not casual. It takes a metric shit-ton of time and is meaningless, boring, easy-mode grind to get money to look pretty in pink, or obsidian armor, or what have you. To say "Ursan is casual" is a load of shit. Most casual players put some random shitty skills on their bars, increase attributes in what they feel like would give them the best effectiveness, and then go and conquer normal mode storylines. DoA is not casual. Grind of the north is not casual. Having PvE/RA/TA/AB/FA fun, experimenting with skills until you find a combination that works for you, and admiring the scenery is casual gameplay. Basically, to say "Ursan is casual" is a blatant lie. —ǥrɩɳsɧƴɖɩđđɭɘş

Epic Funny

By CA

u know any place to troll and irritate people where i cant be blocked for it? --Cursed Angel 06:32, 9 March 2008 (UTC)

Congress? -Auron 07:08, 9 March 2008 (UTC)

wtf is a congress? --Cursed Angel 07:19, 9 March 2008 (UTC)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Congress. -Auron 09:39, 9 March 2008 (UTC)

o i c, but i don't think trolling is allowed in political meetings :/ --Cursed Angel 10:58, 9 March 2008 (UTC)

By http://bannable-offenses.blogspot.com/2008/03/balance-schmalance.html

Balance Schmalance

We appreciate feedback.

We really do.

Indeed, we wait with bated breath for your suggestions on how we can make the game better.

Sometimes, it's good.

Except replace the word "sometimes" with the word "rarely".

My particular favorite is the many (many, many, MANY) suggestions we get on how to "balance" the job system.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to create balance in a system that has 20 entirely different job classes?

They have different abilities.

With different roles.

One might even say they were DIFFERENT JOBS.

Suppose your house was on fire.

No, it's not really on fire. Sit back down.

It's a metaphor, stupid.

So, your house is on fire.

A firefighter shows up.

A police officer.

Maybe a paramedic.

And then a shoe salesman.

Yes.

A shoe salesman.

Now, a shoe salesman might not be as helpful in this type of situation.

BurnVictim>> Someone help me! BurnVictim>> I'm hurt! ShoeSalesman>> You know what you need? ShoeSalesman>> Sneakers.

But he shows up anyway.

And then starts complaining that he's not as helpful as the other people there.

ShoeSalesman>> This is so unfair. ShoeSalesman>> Damned firefighters with the... ShoeSalesman>> Saving people... ShoeSalesman>> From fire...

He starts going on all the fire-fighting related forums.

Post Title: Fire fighting unbalanced

y is it every time there's a fire, everyone invites the firemen? they should totally nerf firefighters.

Then he starts calling up the fire department.

ShoeSalesman>> I have some good ideas on how to balance the fire fighting system. ShoeSalesman>> They should adjust the strength of the fire. ShoeSalesman>> Or maybe make the fire weak to... shoes. FireChief>> Have you lost your mind? ShoeSalesman>> That totally wouldn't make shoe salesmen overpowered. ShoeSalesman>> We'd just be a viable job class. FireChief>> I'm going to hang up now.

There are situations where a shoe salesman would be helpful.

You need a new pair of nikes? Helpful.

You need a nice pair of high heels? Helpful.

You need someone to keep you from burning to death? Not so much.

But the shoe salesman still expects you to completely revamp the entire system to make them more "balanced".

Here is how I might respond to the aforementioned shoe salesman:

GET ANOTHER DAMNED JOB!

If you want to fight fires, BECOME A FIREMAN!

I hate people.

Tomorrow, I'm going to go kick a shoe salesman in the balls.

Hard.

And when he asks for medical help, I'm calling a dry cleaner.

Let's see how he feels about balance then.

By Spamkrewe

Why is your talk page empty MOAR? -- Jïörüjï Ðērākō.>.cнаt^ 04:01, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

NOT ANYMOAR--MP47 (Talk) (Contr.) 04:07, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

SPAM MOAR? Lord Belar 04:37, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

RHYME MOAR--MP47 (Talk) (Contr.) 04:39, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

FIX MOAR Lord Belar 04:40, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

EDITED MOAR--Shadowphoenix 04:42, 26 January 2008 (UTC)Shadow

PHAIL MOAR Lord Belar 04:48, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

DONT KNO WHAT TO SAY MOAR--Shadowphoenix 04:49, 26 January 2008 (UTC)Shadow

THEN STFU, WHORE. Lord Belar 04:51, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

YOU DONT SAY WHORE TO WOMEN ANY MOAR --Shadowphoenix 04:53, 26 January 2008 (UTC)Shadow

COWZ MOAR--Ryudo 05:00, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

YOU KINDA KILLED THE RHYMING THOAR--MP47 (Talk) (Contr.) 05:01, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

DAMN IT U KILLED THE RHYMING EVEN MOAR--Shadowphoenix 05:02, 26 January 2008 (UTC)Shadow

ALL HAIL THOR! Lord Belar 05:03, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

THOR SUCKS, EVEN MOAR--Shadowphoenix 05:04, 26 January 2008 (UTC)Shadow

I GO NOW, AND SLAM THE DOAR Lord Belar 05:06, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

WHAT FOAR--Shadowphoenix 05:07, 26 January 2008 (UTC)Shadow

FOR SLEEP AND TO SNOAR.--MP47 (Talk) (Contr.) 05:16, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

OH WAHT A BOAR--Shadowphoenix 05:17, 26 January 2008 (UTC)Shadow

NO IT'S HARDCOAR.--MP47 (Talk) (Contr.) 05:18, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

BUT U MIGHT HIT THE FLOAR--Shadowphoenix 05:20, 26 January 2008 (UTC)Shadow

THEN YOUD BE SORE!--Ryudo 05:25, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

THAT DOESNT SEEM HARDCORE IT SEEMS LIKE A HARD FLOAR--Shadowphoenix 05:26, 26 January 2008 (UTC)Shadow

SOAR ABOVE THE FLOAR AND YOU HURT NO MOAR AND LOOK HARDCORE--Ryudo 05:27, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER MOAR —̵SEERINFLOOMES 05:28, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY PHAILMOAR--MP47 (Talk) (Contr.) 05:30, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

For WE CAN CHANGE UR COMMENT TILL WERE SOAR--Shadowphoenix 05:32, 26 January 2008 (UTC)Shadow

IF THIS KEEPS UP, I'LL BE UP 'TILL FOAR.--MP47 (Talk) (Contr.) 05:32, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

THEN CHECK UR DRAWER--Shadowphoenix 05:34, 26 January 2008 (UTC)SHADOW

I LIKE PARAMORE--Shadowphoenix 05:37, 26 January 2008 (UTC)Shadow

I STILL HAVE MOAR RHYMES THAT YOU'LL SIMPLY ADOAR.--MP47 (Talk) (Contr.) 05:37, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

NOW HEAR ME ROAR!--MP47 (Talk) (Contr.) 05:40, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

LET'S HOPE THIS DOESN'T RESULT IN A FLAME WOAR--MP47 (Talk) (Contr.) 05:41, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

THEN I WON'T KNOW WHAT I STAND FOAR.--MP47 (Talk) (Contr.) 05:42, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

PARAMORE WILL ROCK TO UR CORE--Shadowphoenix 05:42, 26 January 2008 (UTC)Shadow

LET'S GO EXPLOAR.--MP47 (Talk) (Contr.) 05:43, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

OMG I FOUND A STOAR!--MP47 (Talk) (Contr.) 05:43, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

IT HAS THREE FLOARS!--MP47 (Talk) (Contr.) 05:44, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

I HAVE CLEAN POARS--Shadowphoenix 05:45, 26 January 2008 (UTC)SHADOW

THERE'S PRODUCTS GALOAR!--MP47 (Talk) (Contr.) 05:45, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

REZ SIG IZ BETTER THAN RESTOAR--MP47 (Talk) (Contr.) 05:46, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

AGAINST ME, NO ONE CAN OUTSCOAR.--MP47 (Talk) (Contr.) 05:47, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

LOOK OUT FOR THAT TRAPDOAR!--MP47 (Talk) (Contr.) 05:47, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

OR YOU CAN IGNOAR.--MP47 (Talk) (Contr.) 05:48, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

U WIN!

YOU SHOULD HAVE LISTENED BEFOAR.--MP47 (Talk) (Contr.) 05:49, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

I'M GETTING A COLD SOAR.--MP47 (Talk) (Contr.) 05:49, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

DOES ANYONE HAVE SOME EXTRA LEAD OAR?--MP47 (Talk) (Contr.) 05:50, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

DON'T TRY TO STOP ME OR THERE WILL BE GOAR.--MP47 (Talk) (Contr.) 05:51, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

OK I'M DONE. I'M NOT RHYMING ANYMOAR.--MP47 (Talk) (Contr.) 05:53, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

SOMEONE ELSE CAN TAKE THE FLOAR.--MP47 (Talk) (Contr.) 05:53, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

C-C-C-COMBO BREAKOAR —̵SEERINFLOOMES 16:19, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

POSTING HERE GW BEING A BOARKiller Revan 02:17, 1 February 2008 (UTC)

wtf? lol. also MOAR. Cress Arvein 02:29, 3 March 2008 (UTC)

By 71.229

Yeah, that failed balls. Goddamnit, Belar, back me up here. --71.229.204.25 02:22, 7 February 2008 (UTC) this is my IP address, btw

Sorry, english paper. Lord Belar 02:27, 7 February 2008 (UTC)

Balls to your english paper. --71.229.204.25 02:35, 7 February 2008 (UTC)

Tell that to my english teacher. Lord Belar 02:37, 7 February 2008 (UTC)

That depends on if they have balls. --71.229.204.25 02:45, 7 February 2008 (UTC)

I don't know, I haven't asked her. Lord Belar 02:50, 7 February 2008 (UTC)

Maybe you should, it's a win/win situation. Also, I'd like to take this opportunity to lol@Recent Changes.

Epic Dumb

Disclaimer: Please don't be offended if you see your name here. We all have our bad days, and we all say idiotic shit one time or anohter.

By Eloc

On Lussh's page, while on a policy witch hunt:'

Not trying to go on witch hunts or anything, but policys are set out, specific rules which need to be followed or pretty much the whole wiki can fall apart.

Epic Unclassified

By Suicidal Tendencies:

Sometimes I try to do things, and it just doesn't work out the way I want it to, and I get real frustrated, and like, I try hard to do it, and I like, take my time, but it just doesn't work out the way I want it to, it's like I concentrate on it real hard, but it just doesn't work out, and everything I do and everything I try, it never turns out, it's like I need time to figure these things out, but there's always someone there going: - Hey Mike, you know, we've been noticing you've been having a lot of problems lately, you know, and you should maybe get away, and like, maybe you should talk about it, you'll feel a lot better. And I go: - No, it's ok, you know, I'll figure it out, just leave me alone, I'll figure it out, you know, I'll just work it out myself. And they go: - Well, you know, if you wanna talk about it, I'll be here, you know, and you'll probably feel a lot better if you talk about it, so why don't you talk about it? I go: - No, I don't want to, I'm okay, I'll figure it out myself! And they just keep bugging me, they just keep bugging me, and it builds up inside,

So you're gonna be institutionalized You'll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes You won't have any say They'll brainwash you until you see their way

I'm not crazy - institutionalized You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized You're driving me crazy - institutionalized

They stick me in an institution Said it was the only solution To give me needed professional help To protect me from the enemy, myself

I was in my room, and I was just, like, staring at the walls, thinking about everything, but then again I was thinking about nothing, and then my mom came in and I didn't notice she was there and she called my name and I didn't hear her and then she started screaming: - Mike, Mike! And I go: - What, what's the matter? She goes: - What's the matter with you? I go: - There's nothing wrong, mom She goes: - Don't tell me that! You're on drugs! I go: - No mom, I'm not on drugs, I'm ok, I'm just thinking, you know, why don't you get me a Pepsi? She goes: - No, you're on drugs! I go: - Mom, I'm okay, I'm just thinking And she goes: - No, you're not thinking, you're on drugs! Normal people don't act that way! I go: - Mom, just get me a Pepsi, please, all I want is a Pepsi And she wouldn't give it to me! All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me! Just a Pepsi!

They give you a white shirt with long sleeves Tied around you're back, you're treated like thieves Drug you up because they're lazy It's too much work to help a crazy

I'm not crazy - institutionalized You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized You're driving me crazy - institutionalized

They stick me in an institution Said it was the only solution To give me the needed professional help To protect me from the enemy, myself

I was sitting in my room, and my mom and my dad came in, and they pulled up a chair and they sat down, they go: - Mike, we need to talk to you. And I go: - Okay, what's the matter? They go: - Me and your mom, we've been noticing lately you've been having a lot of problems, and you've been going off for no reason, and we're afraid you're going to hurt somebody, and we're afraid you're gonna hurt yourself, so we decided that it would be in your best interest if we put you somewhere where you could get the help that you need. And I go: - Wait, what are you talking about?! WE decided?! MY best interest?! How do you know what MY best interest is?! How can you say what MY best interest is?! What are you trying to say? I'm crazy?! When I went to YOUR schools, I went to YOUR churches, I went to YOUR institutional learning facilities?! So how can you say I'm crazy?

They say they're gonna fix my brain Alleviate my suffering and my pain But by the time they fix my head Mentally I'll be dead

I'm not crazy - institutionalized You're the one that's crazy - institutionalized You're driving me crazy - institutionalized

They stick me in an institution Said it was the only solution To give me the needed professional help To protect me from the enemy, myself

It doesn't matter, I'll probably get hit by a car anyway.